mars ✨

yep! education systems in the united states are incredibly flawed.

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school for me has always been temporarily memorizing things and reciting them back to make other people happy. as soon as the tests are over, I forget everything I "learned" and use that brain space to memorize another unit. finals are just cramming everything again and hoping for the best.

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it doesn't show learning, nor does it show personal growth. it just shows who's the best at repeating back information quickly.

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real intelligence comes from actual learning and growing, like picking up new skills or understanding deeper concepts. and you can do that anywhere, for example,,,,,,from free resources online or by shadowing professionals who can teach you the ways of their craft.

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learning is different for everyone, so this "one size fits all" approach at school doesn't work. and not everyone is interested in the same topics. there should be way more flexibility.

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I have! quite a lot, actually 0": this is going to be a long one, so buckle up LOL

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I used to be a student with perfect attendance. I'd never even //think// about skipping classes, but unfortunately,,,,,things changed in high school when I got sick with something called lymphocytic colitis.

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I'll spare the gross details, but this illness gave me //massive// amounts of anxiety. it was embarrassing and people talked behind my back. on bad days, I'd either sit in the bathroom alone having a panic attack, go to the clinic to be sent home, or come to school super late. I still remember the first time I skipped class haha. it was so wild and out of character at the time, but now it seems so normal.

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cue hospitals and doctors and tons of testing. at this point, my absences were excused because of my poor health and things were fine. I got through the school year okay, even if I missed a decent number of days.

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my senior year was the worst, though. I lost a lot of friends over the summer since I couldn't hang out with them anymore. I was too busy with hospitals and appointments. it started a //massive// spiral of anxiety.

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even though I was feeling better with ongoing treatment, I was scared to go back to school because I had no one to sit with at lunch. it was torture! I ended up going to school for literally only //one week// at the beginning of my senior year and never going back.

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the school was mad that I wasn't attending classes and I almost got sent to juvy for truancy. oops. on top of that, I almost didn't graduate because I didn't have enough credits and my gpa was so low! but somehow, I got out of that mess because I was still having ongoing treatment and could get doctors' notes. they let me do make-up classes online in the spring //right// before graduation. like,,,,I had only a month or two. I pushed myself hard and I was able to walk with my class! hooray!

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unfortunately,,,,,,,,college didn't go so well from ongoing anxiety issues, so my education is on pause. and I still feel really bad for putting my parents through that mess of high school, since I'm sure they got blamed a lot for not forcing me to go. like lmao trust me, they tried! but you can only forcefully dress and drag a kid out to a car so many times, especially if they're sick.

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anyways, yeah !!! that's it. shoutout to anyone who actually read all of that - you're very cool. I hope you're having a good day/night (: stay safe and remember to drink some water.

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I used to, but not anymore xD

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I was a //total// horse girl as a kid. I read books about horses, I had t-shirts with pictures of horses, all of my school supplies were horse-themed, and my dream was to go horseback riding. this changed when I actually went riding and found out that I was afraid of horses OTL

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I started off getting assigned to a horse that,,,,,wasn't really my cup of tea. I was hoping to get the little tiny speckled horse since she was suuuper cute and I was the smallest kid there, but the one I got was absolutely gigantic xD I'm afraid of heights so it was really scary sitting on top of her.

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it also turned out that my horse wasn't good at following directions (that or I'm terrible at giving them sjdhskjfhdjk) and she had a bit of an attitude towards the other horses. when you're riding, horses don't like other horses following closely behind them,,,,,which is very unfortunate when the person riding behind you won't stop tailgating LOL. I think she kicked at them once or twice and I was so scared that she would buck and go crazy.

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as if that wasn't bad enough, the worst thing happened later when I was putting her back in her stall. she crushed me against the wall with enough force to snap the plastic visor off of my helmet.

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needless to say, I avoid horses nowadays xD but I think they're very photogenic and studying their genetics is fun.

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01) not throw a tantrum to get mcdonald's when I was little.

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this one has eaten me up //forever// LOL, but I guess I learned a valuable lesson from it? when I was a kid, my mom wanted to go to UDF to get malt milkshakes. my brother and I started screaming and crying because we wanted chicken nuggets instead (we had never had milkshakes before and they sounded gross or something, I guess?). my mom got mad and decided to take us home without anything. to this day, we've never gone to UDF. not even once. I've never had a malt milkshake. much sadness and regret.

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02) the entirety of high school.

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if I could just redo all of that, it would be awesome! I could be more confident and outgoing. I could talk to people and make tons of friends. I could actually put effort into my grades to graduate with honors. I could avoid developing anxiety and panic disorders entirely. sooo many possibilities.

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03) not bully a boy at school for having a crush on me.

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I saved the most serious one for last. man,,,,,I really, really feel bad about this one. I was super mean to a kid because he liked me !! for literally no reason !!! I even made a group on facebook to post hateful things about him anonymously. I was so terrible to him. he's a super cool guy and I regret not being his friend ): before he confessed to me and I started bullying him, he used to walk me out of the school building every day to wait for our rides home (we were both car-riders) which was super sweet. I think I apologized to him once, but it still makes me feel terrible. I can't believe I did such awful things to someone who deserved nothing but love. if you're reading this, I'm literally so sorry. I'll buy you a gift or something when I get a job to make up for it,,,,,although I know it can't take back the trauma you probably suffered at my hands.

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tw // mentions of panic attacks + hospital visits

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definitely my safe spaces! my agoraphobia makes me very, very attached to places where I feel comfortable, for example,,,,,my room 👀 it's like a safety blanket that I can always come back to. I know I'm okay here.

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leaving my safe spaces causes anxiety and panic attacks. if my parents were to move, or if I was suddenly taken away from here, I probably wouldn't be able to cope,,,,at least, not well. the closest comparison I can give is when I used to travel - it would take a week or two to adjust to new surroundings, during which I wouldn't eat much and worried my nutritionists aha. by the time I had adjusted, it was almost time to go home! but that was back before my agoraphobia was this bad, so,,,,,,,,,who knows.

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willingly giving up my safe spaces seems pretty darn impossible right now. it would be so, so hard to just walk away from this place! I'm not sure if I could.

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I know I might have to, though, since my treatment is clearly not working. I'd probably be better off if I could go to a hospital for who knows how long and break the habit of closing myself off. but I dunno. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. we'll see.

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