mars ✨

July 4th, 2014

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It was literally the best day of my life, and it will never happen again because a lot of people fucked up including me ;A;

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Erica, Everett, and I literally just sat around in front of her house listening to music, dancing, setting off smoke bombs, lighting sparklers, throwing pop-its, burning stuff, and playing games. It may not seem like a lot, but for someone going through a tough time that they never expected to go away, that elation was amazing. I felt great having them as my friends. I can remember how picture perfect that night was. It wasn't too hot, but warm enough. We were up late until 1 am or so, just chilling outside with fireworks in the distance, the street lit a light orange by the lamps. Fireflies danced around us, it was ethereal. I had a great time and looked forward to it again.

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Now I just sit here wishing everything had played out differently.

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Erica was cheating on her boyfriend //in front of me// in October and November, and Michael was such a great guy. I didn't want him to go through that since he was a good friend of mine as well after Erica had introduced him to me. He would say hello at lunch, in the hallways, everywhere, and it was clear he didn't have many friends. He used to let me sit with him at lunch, usually just the two of us but sometimes another girl would be there. I managed to build up enough confidence to tell him everything. I pulled him aside in the hallway one day, ratted her out, told him not to tell her it was me because I didn't want it to ruin the friendship we had. But what did he do? The first thing he did was tell her it was me. I completely fucked up and panicked. I knew I had nothing left.

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Erica began hating on me, taunting me almost as bad as a bully would whenever she saw me. So I just... left. I ignored her calls, her texts, everything. I isolated myself from her, from everyone, because I saw I had screwed up. I fucked up so bad, I couldn't fix it. I had lost her, our friendship, everything. I haven't talked to her now for over six months, and sadly it's been the same with Everett. I only saw him once or twice after that... I miss them both so much, Erica was my only friend for a while and I hold a lot of dear memories with her that she never saw. She was quick to not hear my side of the story, which I understand, but Michael was my friend too.....

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I wish I could go back and fix this, tell her to stop before it got to that point or have me just do everything differently. But more than anything, I want to have another night like that, just me and my closest friends celebrating. It feels so great knowing you have friends to support you, but when they're on the other side of a computer or phone it's hard to feel like they're really there. It's fragile, much harder to keep friends who don't care and can ignore you with the click of a finger compared to those who see you as a living being, those who can see your emotions.

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Anyways that got long and deep, sorry XD

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