Hollywood Daddy

Hi, sure.

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I started doing mdma in my early thirties. When I was younger, during the original rave scene, felt like I didn't want to be part of that group of people and never tried it. Partly because they acted like fucking morons but mostly due to my loner nature.

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The guys from the rastafari dispensary next to my apartment in hollywood invited me and my girl to go to a club called avalon. Normally, I would have avoided being in that type of environment but i was pushing myself to constantly go outside of my comfort zone. Plus, my girl was 18 at the time and I wanted to have fun with her.

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Wasn't planning on doing any mdma/ecstasy. Chain smoked joints, which was common for me, and ate a large mushroom cap.

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When we arrived the place was well beyond capacity. Like, i've never been anywhere with such a condensed grouping of people. It made the holding cell at county look spacious.

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At some point, one of the people I was with, turned and offered a blue pill. It had a mazaratti stamped on it. Looked at my girl, asked if she wanted to partake in it for the first time together, she responded sheepishly but it was obvious she did, so I broke it in two and ate a half.

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It wasn't enough for me to feel much. I'm a big guy and have always had a naturally high tolerance for any drug. But it was enough for me to not freak the fuck out while being around all those bodies.

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After that I began going to the club every friday and eating pills, usually 6-10 triple stacks a night.

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Mdma has never instilled a feeling of connectedness with other people like i've heard/seen described. it's influence on me was more personally, like, the part of me that felt stricken with sickness when around people dissipated and, for the first time in my life, I began dancing. It helped me find rhythm I never could on my own. I'm not 'good' at dancing, but, I can move to a beat now, which was impossible before.

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I'm the type of person on mdma who wants everyone to have fun and I'll make sure it happens. So, uptight people don't enjoy being in my proximity.

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I started analyzing why I was able to behave freely under mdma after so many years of psychological imprisonment and came to an understanding. The drug was a tool for self actualization.

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I've gone to the club, alone and sober, and danced until the wee hours of the morning many occasions now. It's the only time I feel completely happy and unfettered for a sustained period.

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Have done the drug sparingly outside of the club venue and it hasn't held the same magic, so, abstain from doing it anywhere but there.

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Mdma and clubbing has led me to a lot of cool people I would have never met otherwise. And, amazingly, those people have been more dependable and caring than nearly all 'normal' acquaintances.

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Man, the shit i've seen... I'm really grateful that the shulgins created mdma. I think, when used properly, it's a very beautiful chemical.

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Well, 'janey smith' is an internet persona. Don't have much to say about it.

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The man behind it, steven trull, has always been alright around me.

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He's a poon hound. I've never seen a non-homosexual dude in the company of women as much as he is.

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He let me crash at his pad in san francisco a couple times, without issue. Like, I barely saw the dude. He was always out socializing with various women. Which seemed odd since we never talked much before and there I was inside his home. He pretty much gave me carte blanche.

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The first time I stayed I didn't sleep much because of opioid induced insomnia and didn't ever find him being weird or creepy at night around my girl or me.

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The second time, pretty sure he listened in the hallway while I quickly banged my girl. I'm okay with it. Don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with listening/seeing people have sex if they're doing it in an open space like the living room of your apartment. In other words, I take responsibility for my actions.

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Steven even let me bring my pit bull/boxer, little dave, when we stayed the second time. Which I thought was really kind of him. So many people react negatively towards my dog as if he's going to destroy their home or kill someone... like, I would let that happen.

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This girl I know and her dude friend were heading up to san fran to go to some festival but didn't have a place to crash. Asked steven and he had no problem with letting them stay despite the fact others were already doing so for the same reason.

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Don't know much about all the drama that revolves around him. Think he has a lot of ex-partners, some of which are really spiteful, emotionally unstable or egotistical and engage in acts of retaliation. Does that mean steven isn't spiteful, emotionally unstable or egotistical too? No. I just haven't seen him lash out ever while I have personally witnessed it directed at him.

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Think for every woman who 'hates' janey smith there are just as many, if not more, who 'love' him.

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I think some are acting, others aren't. it's just that some people get really excited over insignificant shit, usually when its beneficial to themselves in some way, like, momentary distraction or bloated and fake compliments. Value systems differ. As does awareness, intelligence and senses of humor.

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Honestly, most everybody is tiring to me. Not individually though. I can usually enjoy direct interaction with a person, but if we're in a group of 3 or more, I shut down and feel sick. People engage in shallow casual interaction while in groups because of how its dynamic is composed and causes my internal dialogue to constantly say, 'fuck this.'

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Think the question you should ask yourself is if being tired by these people is a direct result of them or a reaction to how they reveal what you're not.

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Think my original response implies how fate directly feels for me.

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i'm not in motion without a sense of what's moving me. Think if I spent more time living in the abstractions of nostalgia and the future, my answer could be completely different.

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When I was younger, I had a strong sense of disconnectedness which made me feel out of phase from the world and could have construed that seemingly unending separation as 'fate'. And there were times when I sensed energy, like, something unseen watching me, but my reaction was always to attack it head on to prove if it actually existed or not.

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I have had weird moments, in dreams and reality, where I've felt a very strong presence, like, some people could misjudge it as 'evil', but it's not that, just remarkably strong and undefined, engulfing my metaphysical self and causing paralysis, which would typically result in a gnarly panic attack. Those events gradually lost their power after I fought and broke through the paralysis though, which I can only describe as screaming 'fuck you' without a sense of language from the bottom of an unlit well to whoever at the top was looking down.

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But, if an unseen, omniscient force did exist, like fate, then i'd just accept/forget it. What's the point of fretting over the unchangeable.

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Dunno what science has to say about it but feel like everybody dreams roughly the same amount. Some remember their dreams more than others though. Remember reading a while back that a dream lingers when a person is suddenly woken up, like, by noise or movement.

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I've been lucid dreaming for years. It's tiring. Miss when dreaming felt strong and real instead of like a continuous rehearsal for a play about purgatory.

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My dreams almost always center around death and often I'm dying in them. It's been like that since my first dreams as a kid, which are still vivid memories.

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Think all the unknown people encountered in a dream state are more intriguing than vague acquaintances.

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Dreaming is still undefined by science. Nobody knows why or where we go while in rem sleep. And i've seen my dog 'dreaming' while asleep too. So it's not just a human phenomenon.

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Think it's just as likely for 'this' to be a dream state than the other side. Like, your consciousness is nearly pure while asleep and is allowed to flourish without modifiers. Seems more authentic, to me.

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I don't know what you're implying by a 'connection.' Do you mean with random people, all people, consciousness vs sub-consciousness ? I guess, the answer to everything is yes/no.

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I don't believe in the future. It's something I'm not focused on, at all. Think if people acted like caring human beings in the 'now' then the future wouldn't be much of a discussion point.

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Plus, I'm 37 years old and feel like i've been alive for much, much longer. The idea of living another 30 years seems unbearable.

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Roughly imagine, though, that in 30 years people will be self-absorbed lunatics using technology, medicine and science to perpetually change their 'identity' for the sake of being 'liked' or 'accepted' by a bunch of people who's goal is exactly the same and a bunch of vampiric shit hearts making a lot of money off of it all.

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But, the dreamer in me, the one who believes in the strength of the spirit, likes to think otherwise.

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One thing is for certain, anything non-human is fucked.

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Guessing you mean how do I handle *my* anger towards society.

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There's a part in 'thus spoke zarathustra' titled 'flies in the market place' that I always subconsciously recall when this subject is raised. If you've never read that book, greatly recommend it. Just make sure you get the proper translation, by walter kaufmann.

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I limit my interaction with society. Feel like any time I leave my apartment I get visibly upset over something about modern culture or human vapidity/selfishness.

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But, I'm not someone who can stay at home all the time. It makes me feel trapped and anxious.

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I read, watch movies, listen to music, dance, hike, spend time with animals and nature, parse reality through humor, self-medicate, watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible, hang out with the homeless, engage in voyeurism, light incense and meditate on death, hang out with my son and always try to remind myself that there are decent human beings in this world because there are.

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Basically, I try to wash the shit away by staring at the sun.

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Combating society is different though. Think the only effective method is through direct acts of subversion.

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