indoprobs

Thank you, sweetheart :)

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The dark times are over though I'm still traumatized by what happened. Life goes on, right? I'm sure he wants me to be happy. He made me promise a couple things before he left. I thank God I was able to to keep one of them in front of his living soul, the most important promise; to never leave him.

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I remember everything he said. I was so lucky having the chance to take care of him that night. Now I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that it happened in my house. In my own room to be pretty friggin exact. I couldn't go home and I couldn't sleep in my room for days… but I'm back to normal now. I've slept in my room and it feels good. I have come home early even though I know no one's there. But sometimes when I'm home alone I still avoid making tea because it reminds me of him. I'm a hardcore tea drinker, but now I'm scared of tea.……. That's odd, right?

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His memories are everywhere. On the way to the office I'll remember him cause he picked me up and took me home everyday, once I get to the office he's all over the place, and at home? Um. Sometimes I feel like I desperately need distractions.. but I'm getting braver each day. It's good.

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December is the roughest month for me though. He started approaching me at DWP14, the first time we hung out together was on Christmas' Eve, our first date was on New Year's Eve. At times like this, I feel like instead of "forgetting" I need to focus in feeling okay. I need to take a deep breath and let it all go.

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I realized that if I keep trying to get away I could never move on, I would still be haunted by memories of him. Time will heal. In the meantime I just got to be tough. Doing all the routines I did with him. Alone. The hardest part would only be knowing that he died in my arms... Man, it's really hard to believe. This all feels like I'm a protagonist in a Nicholas Sparks novel.

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But I know that eventually the grief will be over. I just miss him now. It hurts.

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Gue liat kakak sepupu gue ngobrol, tapi adegan ini diulang-ulang terus. Dan kata-kata mereka sama. Gue stuck di moment itu, gak bisa ngapa-ngapain. Gue berusaha inget pacar gue yang meninggal, ngga bisa. Gue usaha inget kantor gue, gak bisa. Gue coba inget how I look like, sama sekali gak bisa. Yang ada di otak gue saat itu ya cuma moment yang di depan mata gue. Tapi scene-nya diulang-ulang. Lama-lama I felt depressed. Like really depressed. "Who am I?" I thought. I couldn't even remember how I look like. Gue gak punya sosok. Gue gak bisa inget apa-apa. Gue mikir, gimana kalo dunia ini sebenernya cuma kumpulan episodes yang dibikin sama sesosok "Gue" ini. Tapi Gue itu siapa dan apa?

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Tiba-tiba muncul scene lain di otak gue, bokap gue lagi duduk di meja makan. Se per sekian detik scene-nya berubah jadi nyokap gue dan kakak gue, and then balik lagi ke dua kakak sepupu gue yang di depan mata gue. Terus gue coba keluar dari tiga scene itu. Gak bisa sama sekali. Sampe gue ngerasa lebih depresi lagi. "Okay, dua orang ini itu sepupu gue.. Tapi mereka itu siapa? Kalau dunia emang kayak mimpi yang dibikin sama Gue, untuk apa?"

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Gue makin depresi lagi. Ketakutan, karna gue gak ngeliat point of my existence. Gue gak bisa liat masa depan. Inget masa lalu aja ngga bisa. Gue ketakutan dan depresi banget sampe gue mikir satu-satunya cara untuk keluar dari this whole pointless drama is to disappear. Sosok Gue ini cuma menciptakan individu-individu yang sayang sama Gue dalam ilusi, while in truth, nothing exists. I was alone, in fear and depressed. Akhirnya, Gue berusaha musnah. "If I could create this whole thing, I could disappear," I thought.

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Gue yang sangat merasa ketakutan dan depresi itu bener-bener coba untuk meniadakan diri gue sendiri. Sampe akhirnya, gue ngeliat scene yang ada di depan mata gue itu kayak di-shoot dari posisi gue duduk slowly bergerak ke atas, dan gue liat gue yang ngga sadarkan diri. Terus, udah, gue ngerasa otak gue completely nge-shut down badan gue.

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Sadar-sadar gue lagi ditaro di kasur sama kakak sepupu gue yang lagi giting. Hahaha. Itu kocak sih, tapi gak lucu. Untung gue sadar.

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Funny thing, gue sebenernya maksain ke DWP kemarin karna gue mau reminisce tahun lalu gue dideketin sama almarhum pacar gue pertama kali itu di sana. Ironis ya, kalo gue jadinya malah nyusulin dia.

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Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. No more stupidity. Kapok.

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Tahun ini lebih pecah lagi! Gue hampir mati gara-gara kecapean. Sumpah, gak bohong dan gak keren banget. Gue cuma ikut hari pertama.

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Jadi, sepupu gue menikah pake adat Jawa, which means nikahannya 3 hari, dari 11-13 Des. Hari Kamis kemarin, abis pulang kerja gue langsung ke apartment-nya biar tidur di sana jadi lebih gampang siap-siap. Apartment-nya di Kelapa Gading, kantor gue di Lebak Bulus. Terus itu hari ujan banget dan macet, kan? Kebayang ngga perjuangan gue. Gue sampe Gading itu jam 11. Terus gak bisa tidur, baru terlelap jam 3 and then udah dibangunin jam setengah 5. Berangkat ke venue siraman di Kuningan, gue siap-siap dan lumayan sibuk karna harus jadi pendampingnya dia. Acara baru selesai jam 1, pas gue mau istirahat sebentar, gue ditelfon temen gue. Dia bilang gue udah harus berangkat buat briefing DWP jam 2, kumpul di Kota. Gue kan bertugas ya, seperti biasa. Akhirnya gue langsung berangkat. Macet kayak apaan tuh di Gajah Mada, gue baru nyampe jam 3an. Abis ngobrol, kita berangkat ke Kemayoran. Malemnya gue masih bertanggung jawab untuk acara Midodareninya sepupu gue. Akhirnya pas udah jam 6 gue ijin cabut, but then karna gue tau udah gak keburu gue pesen Go-Jek. Tapi abangnya nyasar :') gue tungguin ujan-ujanan sampe jam 7, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk cancel. Gue bilang ke nyokap gue gak keburu. Gue balik ke hotel temen-temen gue, terus mandi. Abis itu balik langsung standby lagi di DWP. Gue di DWP sampe jam 3, dan gue sadar gue harus pulang karna besok paginya sepupu gue pemberkatan. Temen-temen gue ngajakin ikut after party-nya, gue pikir karna pasti cari taksi di Kemayoran susah mendingan gue ikut aja tapi abis itu langsung cabut, yekan... Eh, terusnya gue ditahan. Akhirnya sadar-sadar udah jam 6, gue langsung buru-buru. Pas ketemu nyokap gue, dia langsung suruh gue sarapan. Gue bilang, gue gak sanggup, cuma mau tidur aja. Terus ya biasa lah ibu-ibu ngomel-ngomel anaknya ngeselin seenak-enak jidat kalo ngomong. Akhirnya, gue yang berdiri aja gak bisa fokus ini harus sarapan. Abis itu, gue jalan kaki ke rumah tante gue yang jaraknya emang cuma 300m dari hotel tempat kita nginep. Tapi, ya Tuhan....... Capeque, sis. Sampe rumah tante gue, gue langsung mandi. Nah kan, abis begadang, jalan kaki keliling DWP, keringetan, kena AC, langsung mandi. Anak sehat emang. Gue udah takut bakal kenapa-kenapa to be honest. Gue terus-terusan bilang ke emak gue, "Mam, gak bisa nih, harus tidur aku" dia tetep ngomel. Ya udah lah nyerah aja, namanya surga ada di telapak kaki ibu, nurut æ gue anaknya. Pas gue udah selesai siap-siap, kakak sepupu gue manggil gue. Dia bilang he's got something good. I followed him outside and he gave me something synthetic. Hmm... Gue kalo kena hal-hal sintetis itu agak filosofis pemikirannya.

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Pas udah gue ambil, kakak sepupu gue dua orang cuma ketawa-ketawa doang. Nah, ini bagian serunya nih. Proses gue membunuh diri gue sendiri... Sabar ya, gue ketik dulu.

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Funny because I lost someone I was really attached to 17 days ago. Can I instead just write down why that loss brought such a massive impact to me?

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I was in a relationship with this guy. He was much older than I am, almost twice my age. He was a jerk, all our friends knew and even he admitted that. He was nice, so nice that I kinda wish I didn't know him. He made me see things from a whole different perspective, his perspective. We were so different I was amazed I could end up with him. I didn't believe in love, he did. I didn't wanna be in a relationship, he made me choose. I don't believe in marriage, he did. Different vision, different mission, different lifestyle. From the way we dress, our music taste, movies, watched sports, habits and so on. The only thing we had in common was probably the fact that we prefer to be alone. And that made us spent a lot of time together, just being comfortable with each other's presence.

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I don't even know why I loved him. Every time he asked I couldn't explain. But what we got through said even more than enough. We couldn't be together for many reasons, we were both aware of that but he kept insisting that no matter what he would never give up on me. I gave up on him so many times. But I kept going back because.. I loved him and I couldn't lie to myself. All our friends were against our relationship. Everyone said I was stupid. You know how annoying it is when people look at you stupid? Yeah. So we decided to go backstreet.

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On November 26th, he picked me up, as usual. He got to my home at 11:00, I was making sliced bread to be brought to my friends cause it was the deadline week and I thought some food would be nice. We left at 12. It takes around 20 mins from my house to the office. Pretty close, yeah. I got dropped off at the back street (literally) so I could show up first and no one would notice we went together. Everything went normal until at 2 he texted me saying he wasn't really feeling well and he just wanted to be with me. He said the exact same thing at my house that morning but I wasn't taking it seriously. But then I tried to write faster so we could go home early. When I was done, it was about 5pm, I went downstairs with my stuff, ready to disappear from people. He followed minutes after that. We got to my home at 7 cause I decided to have dinner first at the office.

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I made him tea and then we talked for a while. I asked if he was feeling better, he said yes, so I told him I wanted to get cleaned. But he kept insisting I needed to stay. So I did. We then got into a real deep conversation, he told me how much he loved me and why. I was speechless. He had a fiancee, they were ready to get married next March but he asked me that night if I was ready to have a family and run away with him. And I said no cause it was stupid. He was aware the thought was stupid he said it was really "dangkal", but he was disappointed with my answer I could see that. But I speak the truth & the truth hurts, alright

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And then when I finally got the chance to leave him for a while, he followed me to the back kitchen (a territory which he never touched before), I was washing dishes & he asked if I needed a hand. I said no, he still insisted, but I just laughed & said "Honey, I can do it myself, okay? Thank you though." It was strange, everything he did & said in my house that night. He just couldn't stop saying how much he loved me & how much he wanted us to be together. He showed me everything he said through the way he acted. He made me promise to never leave him... which was kind of funny because it was like he knew what I was on about. I planned to disappear from his life completely. I planned to move away & leave everything. I told you guys that I had given up so many times on him, it hadn't stop. Every time he made me promise I kept saying yes even though I felt so guilty inside.

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I took a shower & he sat in the living room. When I got back to him he told his left chest was hurting. I asked what's going on & he said it wasn't a big deal, he just wanted me to be around. He was sweating like a little kid at a wedding party. You know Jakarta's been pretty cold at night lately, so it was strange. I told him to go to the hospital but he didn't want to, so I made him another cup of tea & asked what I could do to make him feel better. He just kept insisting me to just sit next to him. I gave him my dad's shirt to change & asked if he had eaten something other than the bread I made that evening. He hadn't eaten. Intuitively, I ordered Go-Jek to buy him medicine & food. I told him to sleep in my room & when he did, I asked, "do you wanna sleep or do you just wanna talk?" He didn't talk much, which was weird, he just said, "I want you to be around." So I sat next to him until the Go-Jek came. He ate & took the med. Then he went back to my room. A couple minutes later, my sister came bringing me food from my cousin. I asked if he wanted to try the food & he refused. So then I left him alone to eat. When I was finished eating, I went for a cigarette. As I was smoking I heard him going out of my room. I went to him & ask what's wrong. He said," it still hurts," & he wanted to go home. I said, "no, you need to go to the hospital first & make sure you're okay, then you can go home."

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His house was kind of really, really far away from mine I was worried something would happen along the way. So finally he just stayed. I honestly don't know why he was so afraid of going to the hospital, he just kept saying no without telling me why. After we talked at the dining table, we went back to my room. This time I slept next to him. He was lying face down. I caressed him on the back & he said, "can you keep doing that?" I smiled & said, "I love you."

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Minutes after that he said, "Oh, my God" he turned to me & finally.. "Sayang, help me." Then he died of a heart attack. Just like that. I was hugging him. I saw him turn blue. He left me breathless in the worst way... His last words.

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I tried it when I got here two days ago, it was terrible :( what made it worse was the fact that when I said I wanted pannekoek, they corrected me, "kita cuma punya pancake, kak" and I was like, "uh, ya udah, pancake is fine juga" and then they served me pannekoek, like -,-

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When I tasted it, I looked at my cousin right away and said "you know what? I make better pannekoeken AND PANCAKES than this."

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She agreed.

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I mean, DUTCH PANCAKES AND AMERICAN PANCAKES ARE DIFFERENT AND IF YOU WRITE DOWN PANNEKOEK BE REAL WITH IT, DON'T TELL ME YOU ONLY HAVE "PANCAKES" TF BRUH I EXPECTED SOME AMERICAN SHIT TO COME ON MY TABLE AND YOU GAVE ME DUTCH. GEE! I hate when people do that. They don't know how much pannekoek and pancakes mean to me ? they made me expect and then they let me down. Php bitch.

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Oh! Also, their erwtensoep is awful and they make the worst bitter ballen that's ever been through my throat. Should've told me they sell bitter balls instead. Nut fuck. Guys, I am done ranting. I'm sorry. I just.

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I work for a magazine, and it's not really the same with working for a newspaper or a tv station. So, you gotta know that all these are based on my (or my friends') experience only. Because I don't know where you're intending to go later on. But I surely hope this answer helps.

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The sweet things of working in media:
- You can travel for free.
- If you enjoy writing/photography, just imagine that you get paid for it. The joy of being paid for doing the things you like!
- You get to meet new people and not, at the same time. Because if you work in media every one is connected, from one media company to another. Everyone knows everyone.
- It's like as time flies, everyone is your friend! ....if you socialize well.
- You can get so many knowledge about anything EVERY DAY.
- You're demanded to be aware of what's happening around you. Which is definitely a perk for a lazy person like me.
- Free food, free concert tix, free stuff, all the free stuff........ God.
- The higher position you get, the more respect you'll receive from the client ..and pretty much everyone else. This is kind of a bit of both sweet and bitter, yea? But you'll get there. Just like I will.
- You'll probably be one of the first people to experience many things. Like, when a new restaurant is open and you get invited, and stuff like that. Ever had a rave party on a boat? My boss went to the first It's The Ship last year. It was luxurious. You can tell.

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Bitter things:
- Sometimes you're first on the list and the client treats you very, very well. Most of the time you're not, and they treat you like... um, well.
- Once you make a mistake it spreads faster than you ought to expect, so be careful. Cause as I said, everyone knows everyone. Just make sure that you're mentally prepared for that, cause it takes time to prove yourself back again. But, this is very important, always KNOW that you're good enough to fix your mistakes. People fuck up, so what? You'll get through that, sweetheart.
- When your boss wants you to learn/do research about something/someone you have absolutely no interest on? Yeah. That. Like, I was forced to interview a few DJs that I had never heard of, and it was a massive torture for me cause I don't even listen to their kind of music. But it's part of the job. I had to deal with it. Because the bright side is at least you learn something new. Might be useful in the future, who knows?

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Okay, I'm a pretty positive person. I could only come up with those 3 so, I'll just jump to the things you should prepare:
- I have mentioned this above; mental. You basically need this no matter what your occupation is, so yeah.
- Practice makes perfect. Read a lot and write a lot. Be original. Get as many knowledge as you can. You don't actually need a diploma to prove yourself. If you wanna learn it the proper way, go ahead. It's not a crime. But all I'm saying is don't be all stressed out with "the way it should be", you know? Being a little out of the box can be a lot of fun!

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Hari pertama libur.
Sendirian di rumah.

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Kehabisan bahan interaksi.

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Kembali ke Ask.fm.

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Berurusan dengan
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Ini lagi, ini lagi.

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Bukan nyalahin kamu, tapi.... Kamu tau ngga, aku sama bos aku deket banget? Kamu tau bos aku ngga? Yang waktu itu aku isengin pake sticker The Boss Is Gay loh...

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Iya, yang itu.

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Yang gay dan dulu belajar antropologi dan sekarang sangat cerdas. Yang pengetahuannya tentang politik dan sejarah luar biasa luas. Yang kukagumi sepenuh otak.

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Aku, selama bulan puasa, setiap hari pasti ketemu dia, pasti jalan bareng. Ya liputan lah, ya bukber lah, ya sekedar nemenin dia nyari kaos abis itu ngopi sama temen-temennya lah.. dan dia ngebahas iniiiiiiiiiiii muluuuuuuu....

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Tuhan,

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Mau sih nulis pendapatku, tapi udah kebanyakan keluar di bacot, udah gak tau lagi apa yang harus ditulis :'(

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Maafin yah. Maafin ngga ngejawab malah jadi curhat. Kusudah lelah.

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