The Titanova

Okay so when I was in university in my first year, I lived with a crazy bunch of folks. Let's give them some nicknames. Let's call 'em the Scoutmaster, the Pornstar and the Feminist. The first one was big into scouts, the second was a softcore porn actress, and the third was like my real inspiration of teaching me everything about feminism. I don't wanna give away their real names. Anyway, we live in this big flat, it's like there are 15 bedrooms on one floor, 7 on one side, 8 on another, with a big communal kitchen as our only real 'shared space'. I don't drink, so when everyone would get drunk, I'd stay behind. Anyway on this night the feminist stays behind as well and she's educating me, and then we get this call. It's the Pornstar. Her and the Scoutmaser had stolen a few trolleys from a local supermarket and had run away nervously, no idea when they are. It's like 2011, the song 'Fuck you' by Cee Lo Green has just come out, so while Pornstar is telling me this in her slurred voice (which is already thick with a Lithuanian accent and not easy to understand anyway), her voice is competing with 'I SEE YA DRIVING ROUND TOWN WITH THE GIRL I LOVE AND I'M LIKE FUCK YOUUUU'. They described where they were and I said I knew roughly where they were (I knew the area better than most, I had family where I went to Uni). So the Feminist comes with me because we've grown real close and we're looking around for the Scoutmaster and the Pornstar, and we see these two shopping trolleys and these two people behind them. The Pornstar is, well ya know, wearing as much as you might expect of someone who does porn, and she was super pale so you could spot her so easily. We then find that the Scoutmaster and the Pornstar are RATFACED, I mean they are completely arse-over-face levels of drunk. They were not able to walk. So after a bit of arguing over the greater evils of temporarily commandeering a shopping trolley or leaving my good buddies out in the cold in England at night, we stick the pair of them in the same trolley and go. We tried in one trolley each, but after they were wobbling the trolley we decided it was better to have me behind the trolley pushing, and the Feminist in front steering. It's fine, the Pornstar and Scoutmaster were both 1) small, so they fit in fine and 2) super flirty with each other so it didn't bother them. It was like our first week, neither of us knew the numbers of any taxi companies (I didn't drink so didn't need 'em and they were morons lmao) so this is what we had to do. We had to push them half a fucking mile in the middle of the night, sometimes going uphill too. Bear in mind during my first year of uni I'm like 26 stone, I'm fucking heavy, and pushing two living beings in a trolley ain't easy. We try to sneak in to not get caught, but of course... "I SEE YA DRIVING ROUND TOWN WITH THE GIRL I LOVE AND I'M LIKE FUCK YOUUUUU", and we get caught. Long story, tough explanation, lmao

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